It Can Be Hard

The Holidays can be a rough time of the year. For some queer folks, going home for Holidays is sometimes not even an option. In a Bustle article, Marissa Higgins empathizes with queer folks by pointing out how “It's also useful to remember that while some LGBTQ[+] people are not explicitly estranged from family, they may choose to avoid or limit family interactions for their mental or physical health. This, too, is valid! What's more, coming out to family is a complicated process for many people, and just because someone is out in their daily life, or to their friends, does not mean they feel safe coming out to family.” With this in mind, let’s explore four practical self-care ideas for queer people of all ages.

#1. Practice Healthy Personal Boundaries

What are personal boundaries? Dr. Julie De Azevedo Hanks, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker defines boundaries as “what enable us to define ourselves as unique individuals while simultaneously allowing us to interact with others. Where and how we set our boundaries moderates our balance between being a distinct individual and being interconnected with others.”

Setting boundaries are about taking personal responsibility to state what you like, dislike and it’s also advocating for your emotional and physical safety. It also allows you to belong to your self and your values and opinions while respecting others who may think differently than you.

To further expound on the idea of boundaries, Hanks often uses a fence analogy. She explains, “If your boundaries are weak, they’re like a fence without strong posts that can easily be pushed over. On the other hand, if your boundaries are too rigid, it’s as if you’ve built a high stone wall with no gate to enter or exit. Whether you’re aware of this or not, you decide what kind of a fence you’ll build and what comes in and out of your personal space—physical and emotional.”

The University of California compares different types of boundaries below…

Individuals with rigid boundaries tend to create significant emotional and physical distance between themselves and others. This boundary style is characterized by extreme self-protection that often comes at the cost of meaningful connections.
Key Characteristics:
People with rigid boundaries typically avoid intimacy and close relationships, preferring to maintain emotional distance even from those who care about them. They are unlikely to ask for help when needed, often viewing requests for assistance as signs of weakness or vulnerability. As a result, they tend to have few close relationships and may appear detached, even with romantic partners.
This boundary style involves being very protective of personal information, rarely sharing details about their inner lives, thoughts, or feelings. To avoid the possibility of rejection, they keep others at a distance, creating a protective barrier that prevents both hurt and genuine connection.
At the opposite extreme, porous boundaries involve too little separation between oneself and others. This boundary style can lead to emotional overwhelm and difficulty maintaining a sense of individual identity.
Key Characteristics:
Individuals with porous boundaries often overshare personal information, revealing intimate details that may be inappropriate for the relationship or context. They frequently have difficulty saying "no" to the requests of others, even when these requests conflict with their own needs or values.
People with porous boundaries tend to become overinvolved with other people's problems, taking on emotional burdens that aren't theirs to carry. They often depend heavily on the opinions of others for validation and self-worth, struggling to maintain their own perspective and values.
Unfortunately, this boundary style can lead to accepting abuse or disrespect from others, as the person may not recognize when their boundaries are being violated. They often fear rejection if they don't comply with others' demands, leading to a pattern of people-pleasing behavior.
Healthy boundaries represent a balanced approach that allows for meaningful connections while maintaining individual identity and self-respect. This boundary style promotes both personal well-being and positive relationships.
Key Characteristics:
People with healthy boundaries value their own opinions and maintain their personal beliefs and values without compromising them for others. They understand that having different viewpoints is normal and healthy in relationships.
When it comes to sharing personal information, they do so in an appropriate way that neither overshares nor undershares. They gauge the relationship and context to determine what level of sharing is suitable, building trust and intimacy gradually.
Individuals with healthy boundaries know their personal wants and needs and can communicate them clearly to others. They don't expect others to read their minds, but instead take responsibility for expressing their needs directly and respectfully.
Perhaps most importantly, they are accepting when others say "no" to them, recognizing that everyone has the right to set their own limits. They don't take rejection personally or try to manipulate others into changing their minds.

Developing Healthy Boundaries

Understanding these three boundary types can help us identify areas where we might need to adjust our approach to relationships. Moving toward healthy boundaries often involves:

Learning to recognize and respect both our own and others' limits
Practicing clear, direct communication about needs and expectations
Developing comfort with both giving and receiving "no" as an answer
Building self-awareness about our own values and priorities
Gradually sharing personal information as trust develops in relationships
Seeking support when needed while maintaining our independence

Remember that boundary setting is a skill that develops over time. Most people exhibit different boundary styles in different relationships or situations, and working toward consistently healthy boundaries is an ongoing process that benefits both individual well-being and relationship quality.

Hanks helps individuals detect when boundaries are weak by encouraging people to reflect on when they have feelings of resentment. For instance, when we start resenting someone it oftentimes stems from a lack on our part to say “no.” In other words, it means our boundaries have been breached and we need to be more clear to others.

For additional help with setting healthy boundaries, click here.

#2. Connect with Friends

Finding someone to hang out with is a great way to cope during the Holidays. Plan a “Friendsgiving” or see what is going on locally. Being around people who allow you to be yourself is very rejuvenating and important. Apps such as Bumble or Marco Polo are great for finding friends and connecting to people too.

#3. Read a Queer Memoir

Reading queer memoir’s can be affirming, educational and relaxing for queer folks.

#4. Treat Yo Self!

Give yourself permission to spoil yourself this Holiday season by taking the day off, eating at your favorite restaurant, going on a trip just for you, going to a concert or enjoying a warm bubble bath. Treat yourself how you would treat your closest friend.

Ally Tip of the Day

Be aware of the diversity of trans & genderqueer lives. Keep in mind how these identities are part of other identities, and intersect with race, class, sexual orientation, age, immigration status, etc.*

*Tip provided by LGBTQIA.ucdavis.edu

About The Author

Sarah Bridges is a board member of FHHRP and an ally of the LGBTQIA+ community. Sarah has a degree in Health Science with an emphasis in Public Health. She is originally from Arizona but calls Manhattan, Kansas her home. In her spare time she enjoys hosting book clubs with her partner, hiking, yoga or painting with her strong little girl.